January 2008 - Kids are very intuitive. They would figure out before long that something was up. I was crying a lot. Austin was hugging me more than usual. Meals, cards and flowers started showing up. I knew we had to tell them the news and we did back in January. Amanda understands that mommy is sick and that's about the extent of it. She was afraid of me for a while when I first lost my hair. I don't think she recognized me. We got some children's books that helped. "Our Mom has Cancer" was a good one. We borrowed some from Nathan's school counselor, Bonnie. She was great! Nathan took the news pretty hard. He was embarrassed about the idea of me being bald. He point blank asked "are you going to die?". He wanted to know my survival rates and a percentage (he's a bright kid). I told him my survival rate was 99.9%, which is a stretch. It is acutally 80 - 85%, based on tumor size, type and lymph node involvement. After the second round of chemo I leveled with him. He deserved to know the truth. He wanted to know if I was cured and explained that the doctor would follow me closely for five years and then we would talk about being cured. It's easy to say please don't worry, but we all do. I want Nathan to focus on being a kid and not to stress about the cancer. We've tried to keep our routine as normal as possible. He still has soccer, guitar lessons, Sunday school, homework and friends over. Every night when Nathan said his prayers he would ask God to help me be strong and healthy. I love my kids so much. I cannot even imagine not being here for them. I have a lot of living left to do and I pray for full healing.
Communicating with Children: How to Tell Them What You Need During Your Breast Cancer Journey
The entire family is likely to feel anxious when a loved one is diagnosed with breast cancer, and communication plays a key role in coping. However, children have unique fears and concerns when illness comes between them and a parent they depend upon for love, direction and security, making the dual roles of parent and patient a difficult road to navigate. “It’s natural for parents to feel the need to protect a child from the fear and uncertainty that go along with breast cancer or any other serious illness by withholding information,” says Christine McGinnis, Psy.D., a family therapist in Roswell, Ga. “This is the wrong thing to do, because children then fill in the blanks with what they don’t know. By explaining your illness to your children, you can help them manage their fears and guide them toward accurate and hopeful interpretations of events during your journey toward recovery.” Although families may make every attempt to maintain regular routines, it is important to acknowledge that certain changes may be required due to medical and emotional needs. Children should be informed that these needs may make you less available at times, and be reassured that they will have access to you again in the near future. “Young children need to hear from you that Mommy isn’t feeling well, and that’s why she has to go to the doctor a lot and take medicine that makes her sick,” says Dr. McGinnis. “A teenager can handle a more detailed conversation in terms of the actual illness and what the treatment period is going to be like. But children of all ages need to hear that it’s okay to give you space during the times when you are feeling sick or just need a good cry by yourself.”By setting expectations for your children, you send a reassuring message that you are still in charge and that they will not be left on their own. But with energy divided between your normal responsibilities and the demands of treatment, you still may have to rely on the assistance of family members and friends to complete certain tasks. Asking children to help is a logical way to ease your burden, and pitching in can contribute to children’s sense of purpose within the family. However, it is important to be sensitive to how much your children want to be involved and to gauge their adjustment to additional expectations. “You have to remember that children are self-centered, and that this is what they need developmentally,” Dr. McGinnis cautions. “If you take away too much of that, they miss a part of parenting. And too much responsibility creates a danger that children might take on an adult role, which is not good for them.” When you do ask for help, try to give children tasks they can safely and easily perform. Keep in mind that age matters not just in terms of what a child can accomplish, but in how they may prefer to contribute. Younger children may feel good about bringing you a glass of water or helping to take care of the family pet. Teens may be more open to tasks that recognize their growing maturity and independence, such as driving younger siblings to school or picking up a prescription. Regardless of how large or small the contribution, children should receive recognition for their efforts. They need to hear that they have made a difference. They also need understanding when they resist giving the time that you ask for, even when the request seems small. “Children aren’t capable of comprehending your needs at an adult level,” Dr. McGinnis says. “They are struggling with knowing that their mother is sick, yet at the same time they really want Mom to make their breakfast and attend school activities. And it’s natural for them to want those things, even when they realize you’re not up to it.”
The entire family is likely to feel anxious when a loved one is diagnosed with breast cancer, and communication plays a key role in coping. However, children have unique fears and concerns when illness comes between them and a parent they depend upon for love, direction and security, making the dual roles of parent and patient a difficult road to navigate. “It’s natural for parents to feel the need to protect a child from the fear and uncertainty that go along with breast cancer or any other serious illness by withholding information,” says Christine McGinnis, Psy.D., a family therapist in Roswell, Ga. “This is the wrong thing to do, because children then fill in the blanks with what they don’t know. By explaining your illness to your children, you can help them manage their fears and guide them toward accurate and hopeful interpretations of events during your journey toward recovery.” Although families may make every attempt to maintain regular routines, it is important to acknowledge that certain changes may be required due to medical and emotional needs. Children should be informed that these needs may make you less available at times, and be reassured that they will have access to you again in the near future. “Young children need to hear from you that Mommy isn’t feeling well, and that’s why she has to go to the doctor a lot and take medicine that makes her sick,” says Dr. McGinnis. “A teenager can handle a more detailed conversation in terms of the actual illness and what the treatment period is going to be like. But children of all ages need to hear that it’s okay to give you space during the times when you are feeling sick or just need a good cry by yourself.”By setting expectations for your children, you send a reassuring message that you are still in charge and that they will not be left on their own. But with energy divided between your normal responsibilities and the demands of treatment, you still may have to rely on the assistance of family members and friends to complete certain tasks. Asking children to help is a logical way to ease your burden, and pitching in can contribute to children’s sense of purpose within the family. However, it is important to be sensitive to how much your children want to be involved and to gauge their adjustment to additional expectations. “You have to remember that children are self-centered, and that this is what they need developmentally,” Dr. McGinnis cautions. “If you take away too much of that, they miss a part of parenting. And too much responsibility creates a danger that children might take on an adult role, which is not good for them.” When you do ask for help, try to give children tasks they can safely and easily perform. Keep in mind that age matters not just in terms of what a child can accomplish, but in how they may prefer to contribute. Younger children may feel good about bringing you a glass of water or helping to take care of the family pet. Teens may be more open to tasks that recognize their growing maturity and independence, such as driving younger siblings to school or picking up a prescription. Regardless of how large or small the contribution, children should receive recognition for their efforts. They need to hear that they have made a difference. They also need understanding when they resist giving the time that you ask for, even when the request seems small. “Children aren’t capable of comprehending your needs at an adult level,” Dr. McGinnis says. “They are struggling with knowing that their mother is sick, yet at the same time they really want Mom to make their breakfast and attend school activities. And it’s natural for them to want those things, even when they realize you’re not up to it.”
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