Cancer Sucks

We all wrote CANCER SUCKS in the sand and screamed "Cancer Sucks" at the top of our lungs out to the ocean. It was very cathartic for me. Simply stated, cancer does suck. I am feeling the cumulative effects of this round of chemo. Maybe it's not just this round, but all three rounds combined. My body has been poisoned and I can tell. I had a great time at the beach, but spent a lot of time taking it easy. I was so happy to have my mom there to help. What a beautiful place to rest and get fresh air when I needed it though. I had a seriously painful ear infection (of all the times to leave the Vicodin at home...) and was queasy for a few days. I am continuing to take it easy now that we're home. I feel like I'm pregnant and have to be on bed rest. Blah.

My Trip to Cannon Beach by Nathan (age 10)

Nathan kept a journal of things he did on our Thanksgiving trip to the beach. He wrote this story for school:

I woke up on Wednesday morning knowing that we were going to Cannon Beach for Thanksgiving that day. I was exited to go because I have been there before and I knew it was fun and exciting. The first thing that I did was wake up from bed and get dressed. Then I went downstairs and went outside to help my dad load the car with stuff that included my D.S., my stuffed animal that was a dog and my clothes.

But first before we could go to Cannon Beach we needed to take mom to her chemo. So we all went to mom’s chemo place which is a hospital in Tacoma. Dad and I just dropped mom, Amanda and Nana off at the hospital then we went to get breakfast because we had not gotten breakfast yet. We both had omelets and hash browns on the side. Then we went back to the hospital and I played Uno with mom. Next we went on the road to go to Cannon Beach mom and I had to switch places in the car, because mom wanted to take a nap.

Then we got to Cannon Beach. The first thing that I did was open the blinds. Then I went out to the beach and played after I helped dad unload the car. After that, we had dinner which was taco soup. We watched a movie called Mr. Mom. Then dad and I went for a walk on the beach with a flashlight. Finally I went to bed. I sleep in a bed that’s right by a window where I have a good view of the ocean.

I woke up Thursday and went downstairs. I played D.S. and watched TV for about an hour. After everyone got up mom sent me to the store to buy milk. It’s the store down the road about a block or so. Nana made Swedish pancakes for us, which are really thin pancakes that are really, really good. We went on a walk on the beach. We collected rocks to make place markers for where we sat at the table for Thanksgiving dinner. We made turkey hats and I made an Indian hat with feathers. We painted the rocks. My rock had a smiley face with green background and googly eyes. I helped make dinner. I made the whipping cream for the pie. I also used the beaters to mash the potatoes. We had dinner. We all talked about what we were thankful for. I said I was thankful to have food and a family and that we had a warm house to live in. After dinner I made a fire in the fireplace. I used the criss cross method and struck the match myself. We played a game called Whoonu and also a game called Catch Phrase. I walked on the beach with Nana and dad. We took flashlights. I went to bed and my tummy was full.

I got up on Friday morning. We had sausage and eggs. I went to the blow hole with dad and Nana. The blow hole is three caves that all have waves that come in and crash against the side to make the water shoot really high up in the air. Then we hiked all the way back. We all went into town. We went to the candy store called Bruce’s Candy Kitchen. It smelled like salt water taffy. I saw millions of different candies that I’ve always wanted to try. I got a shirt that says Tough Guys Wear Pink. We went back to the house and went for a walk on the beach. We had really really good pizza for dinner. I watched Kung Fu Panda with Nana. It was really funny. I read my book when I got into bed, then I went to sleep.

I had a really fun time at Cannon Beach and I was really sad when I had to leave on Saturday. It was fun on the car ride back because I listened to my ipod and played my D.S. When I got home I helped dad unload the car and put everything away. The End.

Thankful to be Alive

This year Thanksgiving was different for us. We decided to spend the long weekend at Cannon Beach. It was just our family of four and my mom. About a half hour after we arrived this beautiful sunset appeared. All I kept thinking was that I am so thankful to be alive. I am so thankful to see this beautiful sunset and to be at the ocean with my family. It is relaxing and renewing. I love the beach. Thank you to the family who generously shares this place. I tell myself every day that I will beat this, but I really don't know that for sure. What I do know is that I will live while I am alive and be thankful for each day.

Sad Husky Season

2008 hasn't been our year. Even though our Huskies didn't win a single game this year, we still managed to enjoy ourselves and watch the Apple Cup (U.W. vs W.S.U.) football game yesterday. For those who don't know (how could you not know?) we are avid Husky fans and have been going to games since we started dating. We went so far as to put the blow up "Harry the Husky" in the front yard like we have done in the past, proving that we are still trying to be a fun family despite cancer and a losing season. Judging by the kids' smiles you can't even tell we lost the game.

Special Quilt

Here I am at chemo last week, all snuggled up under the special quilt my Auntie Debbie made for me. It is made with 30's & 40's reproduction fabrics. She knows how much I love old fashioned things. This quilt is extra special because it's the first one my aunt has finished since her stroke this past spring. I know quilting is one of her passions, but sewing is not as easy as it was before the stroke. She did a beautiful job. I am very touched that she made this quilt for me.

Take a look at my hair! It is growing in nicely and I know you can't tell in the picture, but I'm actually wearing a little barrette now. Austin isn't crazy about the barrette, but I think it's fun. It's like a one year old little girl who finally has enough hair to do something with.

I am doing okay with the chemo. This past week was my third session. I have two weeks on and one week off, repeat for twelve sessions. I was feeling great on my off week. I was pretty queasy after my Navelbine infusion this week. The Xeloda is still keeping me up at night, but I'm currently trying Ambien and it seems to be helping. I'm able to sleep for a few hours at a time. I was up last night with a 102.5 temperature and was not feeling well. I talked to the doctor on call who said my white counts are probably running low. I feel weak and tired. The fever came down with Tylenol and has been around 100.5 today. I see my oncologist tomorrow. I hope everything is okay, because we have plans to be out of town for Thanksgiving.

My Xeloda

Xeloda (pronounced Zeloduh) is the pill half of my current chemo cocktail. I am doing okay with it, but the insomnia is driving me batty. I can't fall asleep (I've tried lots of drugs to no avail) - if I do fall asleep I'm awake again in an hour or two. I'll watch Jon Stewart, read for a while, shut off the light around midnight and toss and turn for hours. This has been going on for weeks now. Finally, last night I got up at 3:00. I started a load of laundry, worked on my knitting, drank a cup of hot cocoa and did a little on-line shopping (dangerous when you're wired and bored). Finally I started to yawn, a good sign! I went back to bed at 5:00 a.m. and managed to sleep for a few hours. I feel like I'm back on mega doses of steroids again. I feel like I have jet lag. At least with jet lag you get to wake up in the middle of the night in a new place with new adventures ahead. I loved waking up at 4:00 a.m. in France. Okay.... back to the song. While I was surfing the web last night, researching you guessed it -- Xeloda and insomnia, I found this song. I think it is hilarious. A fellow breast cancer survivor wrote lyrics about the drug Xeloda to the 80's song My Sharona. It is funny and the 80's crowd will remember the tune.

"My Xeloda" to "My Sharona" music? Here it is...

Oooh you make my fingers numb, fingers numb
My hands they used to be just fine, Xeloda
Now I have insomnia, insomnia REM sleep's fallin' way behind, Xeloda
Have the little pills in my hand take them every day; wanna throw them out throw them up, throw them all away... My my my i yi WOOOOM M M MY Xeloda

Tried to have some spicy soup, spicy soup
You gave me pains in my tum-eeee, Xeloda
Cramps happening all the time, everywhere
Can't eat food with hot spice, Xeloda
Have the little pills in my hand take them every day; wanna throw them out throw them up, throw them all away... My my my i yi WOOOOM M M MY Xeloda M M M MY Xeloda

Belly keeps a bloatin' out, bloatin' out
Look like I'm havin' a big ba-beeee, Xeloda
Even though you help me out, help me out
Why couldn't this have been benign, Xeloda?
Have the little pills in my hand take them every day; wanna throw them out throw them up, throw them all away... My my my i yi WOOOOm m m m m m m My my my i yi Woo

M M M MY XelodaM M M MY XelodaM M M MY XelodaM M M MY Xeloda

The Scan is Clear!

I had a PET scan this past Tuesday. I've been waiting to hear the results (waiting is the worst) and found out today that the scan is clear! Yahoo! Praise God! This means that there were no visible "hot spots" that could be detected. As far as they can tell the cancer is not in my organs. I am feeling like a survivor again. They'll repeat the PET regularly. For now, I couldn't be happier. My sister-in-law Steph was with me today. I needed a ride because I feel too loopy to drive after chemo, but also I didn't want to be alone in case I received bad news. Thanks Steph!

I had my second chemo treatment today. They had a bit of trouble getting blood return from my port, so it took a while. I'm glad I had brought my knitting. The Navelbine chemo bag was tiny and it ran in about 10 minutes. To think that chemo use to be a 24 hour event for me. Now, I'm in and out in two hours max. It's amazing to me that something that small could do such a big job, but I do trust that the oncologist knows what he's doing. The chemo knocked me out today. I got home around 1:00 and slept until 3:30, got the kids settled and then Austin came home early to help. I went back to sleep and am just now rallying - it's 7:30. My body must have needed the rest. I found out that I will have two weeks on, one week off of the Navelbine. So, no chemo next week. Yeah!

One of my chemo nurses was a New Yorker, from the Bronx. I had lots of fun talking with her today. She grew up in Yonkers and worked at an import/export business on Nepperhan Avenue (very near my friend Susan) before becoming a nurse. She lived in White Plains as well, like I did. She was familiar with the little town of Tuckahoe, too. It's a such a small world. She worked in Manhattan and so did I. It was great to talk with her. Her brother went to my school, Iona College. I could tell by her accent that she was from New York. I'm glad I started the conversation, because it was great to reminisce and took my mind off chemo a bit, too.